veiled exuberance

none shall pass.

this is my new favorite thing:


well, not *this*, per se, but the process of doing this.  one of the kids in my photo club suggested this as our first assignment - to take a black and white photo and emphasize one color in it.  i waited until the very last minute to do mine and realized, "oh crap, i have no idea HOW to do this."  but thanks to generous people across the internet, i was able to find lots of instructions (which i think is fantastic).  many of these instructions are for photoshop, which i cannot currently afford (or rather, cannot justify affording).  so i used GIMP, which is an open source graphics/image/photo editing tool that's comparable, but, you know, you can download it for free (legally!).  yay.  anyway.  there are several different ways you can do this.  i tried a couple.

Way 1. open up your *colored* image in GIMP (or photoshop) and add a duplicate layer.  desaturate (remove all the color) from your image (the top layer).  you can then use your eraser to erase the top layer where you want the color (still in the bottom layer) to show through.  flatten and save your image.

Way 2. open up your *colored* image in GIMP (or photoshop) and add a duplicate layer.  desaturate (remove all the color) from your image (the top layer).  add a mask (opaque).  use your paint brush to *paint* in black over the areas where you want the color to show through.  if you make a mistake, switch to white and paint over your mistakes (this will restore the image to its black and white state wherever you paint).  merge and flatten and save your image.

this is actually oberon's picture, but i thought it might be more striking if the focus was on the orange cone.  plus, i'm supposed to be packing.  so, naturally, i'm not.  :)

posted by: juuitsu at March 28, 2008 08:17 | link | comments |

The Quest for the Silver Bangle

Sultan Jamad was a man well-endowed with children.  Overly endowed, in his opinion.  He had not yet appointed an heir to the sultanate and his three eldest sons were constantly quarreling over the throne.  Jamad found it tiresome.  He also felt some concern that his sons, in their eagerness to replace him, would seek to shorten his tenure in such a way as might also shorten his life.  This was unacceptable - the Sultan had many wives and many more concubines he wished to continue knowing for the foreseeable future.  So, Jamad brought his sons together in the throne room one day and made an announcement.

"My sons, long have I been the Sultan, and long have I ruled these lands.  Long, also, have I held you in suspense as regards my successor." 

The Sultan's sons exchanged meaningful looks.

The Sultan continued, "It was my hope that one of you might distinguish himself in my eyes as being the most suited, the most worthy..." he paused, "but this has not yet happened.  You know that I have great affection for all of you as your father."  The sons rolled their eyes.  "But, as the Sultan, I have a difficult decision to make - to whom can I entrust this great empire?  Now, my sons, one of you must prove himself to the Sultan in order to become the Sultan."  He fell silent and his eyes grew unfocused as he lost himself in the grandeur of his own words.  Well, his own words and a vision of his favorite concubine.

The silence in the room grew until Amad, the eldest, coughed quietly and said, "And how, honored father, might this son prove himself worthy of an empire?"

Jamad shook himself free from thoughts of Baseema's round, supple breasts and refocused his attention on his three sons.  He cleared his throat.  "I set you three a task."  He held up his arm and his sleeve fell back to reveal a single silver bangle.  It was quite ordinary, plain, without distinguishing markings.  The Sultan removed it and gestured for his sons to gather in close.  "You are to seek this bangle.  Wherever it may be found.  The one who finds it and returns it to me will be the next Sultan." 

Amad, Ramad, and Hamad pushed in closer still for a look at their father's bangle.  But, before they could examine it too closely, the Sultan gestured to his manservant, who stepped forward with one of the Sultan's messenger hawks.  Jamad quickly fastened the bangle to the hawk's leg and tossed bird and bangle out into the air from the nearest window.  The sons fell over one another in their haste to get to the window and ascertain the bird's direction.

Ramad, the middle son, was the only one to catch a glimpse of the bird as it headed north.  Impulsively, he leapt from the window himself, whistling three sharp notes as he vaulted over the sill.  His dragon, Mish'al, who had been casually circling the palace, caught him easily as he dropped, and together they set off in pursuit of the bangle.

Amad and Hamad untangled themselves and cursed their brother and his impulsiveness.  Ramad and the bird were already lost in the clouds by the time they reached the window.  Amad was certain that haste was in order.  He immediately set off for the harbor, where his loyal sea turtle, Tippi, awaited his pleasure.  He and Tippi set out to the south, across the water, searching the skies for the bird and the ocean depths for he bangle. 

Hamad, the youngest son, took time to gather his wits as well as supplies, retainers, entertainers, and a number of traveling companions.  He would complete his quest for the bangle in style, and with plenty of assistance.  He mounted one of his steeds and sent off his first wave of scouts to the east.  His entourage followed at a more leisurely pace, with a proper festival atmosphere. 

Jamad silently watched his sons' exodus from the palace.  When Hamad finally cleared out, the Sultan breathed a great sigh of relief.  Good riddance sons.  They were like thorns between his toes, those sons of his, and he was glad to be quit of them.  He went to the window and looked out toward the north - in the direction his hawk had flown.  Good riddance bird.  That bangle had brought him nothing but sons, nothing but trouble.  His grandmother had passed it down to him when he became the Sultan, "It will cause the seed of your loins to bear much fruit," she had said as she slipped it around his wrist.  And what more could a Sultan want?  He'd been thrilled when his first child was born, but when each passing week brought news of yet another birth announcement the novelty had quickly worn off.  The children were always under foot, always in his hair, and once they grew up, they wanted what was his.  He certainly didn't want or need any more.  Good riddance bangle.  Jamad leaned against the sill and allowed the setting sun to warm his face.  He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of jasmine.  Jasmine, the scent of the harem - particularly appealing now that the threat of additional children had been removed.  He could give himself generously; he could spend himself wholeheartedly.  The Sultan smiled lasciviously.  Baseema, and her magnificent bosoms, were waiting.

Ramad and Mish'al raced after the hawk.  It seemed to taunt them, disappearing into cloud cover, then reappearing tantalizingly close.  They drooped in disappointment when they lost it and were reinvigorated upon catching sight of it again.  The chase went on for several hours before they were able to capitalize on an opportunity.  The hawk appeared quite suddenly between Mish'al's forelegs.  The dragon was so surprised he nearly snarfed it up.  Ramad panicked and began beating Mish'al about the head.  "No!  No!  Musn't!  Eat!  The!  Bird!  Bad!  Dragon!"  Dragons have lengthy intestinal tracts, which allow them to digest, over a period of months, anything that they ingest.  Mish'al had had a rather substantial meal only days ago, and Ramad was not interested in either waiting for the bangle to make it through the dragon's digestive tract, nor in sorting through what came out at the other end.  Mish'al was not interested in being beat about the head.  This difference of opinions led them to miss the bird entirely, but not, unfortunately, the mountain, which loomed up rather too quickly for either of them to avoid it.  If Mish'al survived the crash that ensued, Ramad was never to know.  Dragon met mountain with terrible impact and plummeted from the sky.  Ramad tumbled from Mish'al's back and sustained a rather impressive assortment of abrasions.  In the aftermath of the crash, Ramad lay flat on his back on the mountain top.  He wiped the blood out of his eyes.  He watched the hawk fly away.  He drew in his breath to curse his luck, his stupid dragon, his brothers.  It caught painfully in his chest.  Ow.  One of his ribs was probably broken...possibly more. 

Amad and Tippi had seen no one and nothing for days.  Amad was rather regretting having set out without properly provisioning his turtle.  Though he had access to ample seafood, he had no fresh water.  He probably would have perished a short time later had not a storm blown up.  A swell carried him from Tippi's back, as the turtle continued to struggle against the wind and waves, and laid him gently on the sandy beach of an uninhabited island.  There was, however, plenty of fresh water.  Amad drank his fill and promptly passed out.  When he awoke, he drank some more and searched the beach for Tippi.  Tippi was not to be found.  He searched the island.  No turtle.  He searched for anything.  There was nothing.  In desperation, Amad called to Tippi again and again.  There was no response.  Tippi had vanished with the storm and Amad would never see him again.  Now, Amad did not know this, of course, and he continued to hope - and to call.  He called Tippi's name until his throat ached and his voice grew hoarse.  Tippi didn't hear him.  But something else did.  Far beneath the water, the leviathan heard Amad yelling.  The leviathan that had been sleeping quite peacefully, thank you Very much, until that thrice-cursed kid had shown up and lost his turtle.  Amad's ragged voice reached its ears once again.  The leviathan sighed.  Obviously, there would be no peace until the kid found his turtle.  The noise went on and on.  The leviathan sighed again.  Obviously, the kid wasn't going to find his turtle any time soon.  And on and on.  There was only one thing that could be done.  And the leviathan did it.  Amad's voice was abruptly silenced and insulated by several thousand tons of leviathan flesh as he disappeared into its maw.  And immediately afterward, the leviathan returned to its cave, and the sound of the waves lulled it back to sleep. 

At regular intervals, the scouts would returned to Hamad, bearing innumerable silver bangles.  Hamad carefully examined them all, but none of them seemed to resemble the bangle he'd only briefly glimpsed.  After many days and many more bangles, Hamad was no longer sure what he had seen, so he assigned several carts to carry the bangles, and a contingent of soldiers to guard the bangles.  As his confidence eroded and his discouragement grew, Hamad took to complaining to his horse, Fateen.  "I do not know what I shall do, Fateen.  No one has seen my father's hawk.  No one has seen my father's bangle.  The ones that say they have are all liars.  And we have cut their tongues out of their false throats, but this has not revealed the true location of the bangle.  Meanwhile, my brothers have set out in other directions and I know not their fates.  Perhaps Amad or perhaps Ramad has already found that which I seek."

Fateen chewed his bit thoughtfully and responded, "Perhaps you should visit the wise old woman.  She may be able to help you."  Hamad was not one to disdain the advice of a horse, and so he and his entourage made a detour to the village of Alima, home of the wise old woman.  The villagers were...

(to be continued when it's not quite so late...)

posted by: juuitsu at March 26, 2008 23:33 | link | comments (2) |

the past couple weeks i have found myself encouraging spring to ARRIVE (hurry UP!  *whack*) by acting like it already has.  i've taken a lot of walks.  they've been on the chilly side.  and the snow has been melting more and more every day.  we're almost there, spring, just hold on!  yesterday the temperature hit 56 degrees and i went out for a short walk at noon and nearly got blown away.  the wind was so strong i could almost lean backwards into it and *not* fall over.  gave me quite a nice push on the way out.  whee!

i finished painting my bedroom.  it's intensely blue.  sometimes i like it and sometimes i think it's trying to jackhammer itself into my visual cortex.  it's an eggshell sheen.  *shrug*  hey, it sounded good to me at the home depot.  eggshell, in case you were wondering, is only slightly shiny - like the inside of an eggshell more than the outside.  i maybe should have gone with a flat, no sheen, paint in a lighter shade of blue.  but this is a learning experience.  bold color seemed like something i should try at least once.  the new paint smell lingers on - i kept my window open for most of a day to see if some air circulation might help it dissipate.  it did.  a bit.  i also moved one of my plants in there to help cycle the air.  i think maybe a temporary forest could do the job in a day.  it's not so very spring that i want to leave my windows open all night. 

when i was all determined to get things done a couple weeks ago, i scheduled an appointment with my optometrist (my glasses have a huge scratch on the right lens and it's been driving me nuts - for several months, but it's only now that i decide i need to do something about it).  and while i was there i thought, hey, maybe i should get contacts this time as well as glasses!  so i did.  it's been about 10 years since i've worn contacts, but the optometrist, after watching me expertly pop them in, decided that i didn't need a whole lot of coaching on contact wear or care.  and i was totally with him until a few hours later when i couldn't for the life of me remember how to take them out.  hm.  i stared into my eyes in the bathroom mirror and considered my options.  some people just pinch them right off, but i don't think i was ever one of the pinchers.  i was more a slide it to the corner of my eye until it bunches up and i can remove it.  it takes awhile to remember the knack of that.  and there was a moment when i thought i *wasn't* going to be able to get them out.  i related my tragicomic experience to people at work and now that's the first thing everyone asks about - "how are the contacts?"  it took a few days for people to notice that something was different about me.  even people i know really well didn't pick up on the what's-different-about-juuitsu vibe right away.  i think the contacts will be great for biking and i can actually get non-prescription sunglasses to wear when i'm outside (in addition to my baseball hat) - i always manage to destroy my sunglasses, so i'm hoping i can find some that won't set me back too much.  but my face looks/feels kind of naked without my glasses.  oh, and these are the disposable kind.  never having had those before, i'm not sure how long i'm supposed to wear them before i dispose of them.  i did some searching on the brand (no one mentioned this important detail at the optometrist's, so they probably just assumed i knew what i was doing - HA) and it looks like i'm supposed to change them out every two weeks.  huh.  anyone else wear these?  is that normal?  i thought they were monthly...  (but it's increasingly obvious that i have no idea what i'm talking about.)

posted by: juuitsu at March 26, 2008 08:37 | link | comments (5) |

oberon invited me to join a gaming session he was running this past saturday (for 1001 Nights).  i forget what he told me about it prior to the event, except that it was supposed to have an Arabian Nights feel to it - with lots of story-telling.  that evoked a certain appealing atmosphere.  o. took it further and brought along a number of props (and snacks!) to help set the mood.  he laid a cloth across the table and set out bowls of dried apricots, nuts, dates, crackers, and cheese.  we all got our own bowls to hold our "gems" (dice), and a large bowl in the center of the table (the sultan's gem bowl) completed the tableaux.

we all got to choose a character to portray from several that oberon had generated prior to the game (he chose names and palace occupations for all of us).  i was Zuleika the midwife.  the others were: Rashid the swordmaster, Duha the tailor, Sadia the sultan's favored dancer, and the head cook.  all of our names had specific meanings, which i thought was really cool.  mine meant "brilliant beauty."  but that's not really how i imagined Zuleika.  i saw her as an older woman, private in her appearance and speech, rather quiet and mysterious and enigmatic.  she's seen many years, many births, and has held life and death in her hands.  o. had us fill in some descriptive information for our characters.  here's what i had:

hearing - my ears are assaulted by the pained labors of birthing mothers.
sight - i have seen multiple generations enter and leave this life.
smell - perspiration perfumes the darkened chambers of my patients.
taste - peppermints sweeten my breath and the soothing words i whisper into their ears.
touch - tiny fingers close around mine, squeezing gently, their first experience of the world

clothing - head scarves hide my hair and most of my features, except for my large, serious, kohl-rimmed eyes.  my dress is dark and plain.  i carry medicinal herbs in hidden pockets and folds of my clothing.

we were each asked to list what our character envied about the others.  Zuleika envied the swordmaster his independence and strength.  she envied the tailor his facility and freedom to interact with the world.  she envied the dancer her youth.  she envied the cook the force of his character and the way he permeated his environment with his presence.

each character chooses an ambition that s/he wants to achieve, and, additionally, each wants to win free of the sultan's court.  there were some of us who felt that our freedom *was* our highest ambition, but as they were supposed to be separate things, we chose other ambitions.  Zuleika's was to see her grandson freed from servitude and educated. 

progress toward one's ambition and freedom is determined by rolling die accumulated during storytelling phases of the game.  each character must also roll at least one die for "safety."  rolling an even number in any of these areas counts as a success, while an odd is a failure (you must have 5 successes to achieve your ambition, and 7 to achieve your freedom).  so, in order to be "safe" one has to roll at least one even number.  rolling an odd number means that you are first reprimanded by the sultan in private, then publicly, and finally (3 strikes and you're out) you lose your head.  other players can "snipe" your character's ambition by paying one of their own die (you lose two dice from your ambition roll).

1001 Nights is primarily a storytelling game.  your characters tell one another stories to pass the time, and in the process, take on other characters and roles.  it's rather multilayered, as you're supposed to be playing one character who's playing yet another character - hard to remember who you are sometimes.  i hadn't quite gotten the knack of being Zuleika before i was called on to be someone else.  :)  but it wasn't something that i worried about too much.

oberon started us off by setting the scene for us in the palace.  he began with a story about the thief, Hassan, who traveled by genie to the moon and fell in love with the moon princess (each of us were assigned a character/role within the story, which we were sometimes called upon to act out - i was the genie).  during the story, if we had questions about how various plot elements might be resolved, we could take a die from the sultan's bowl, pose our question, wait to see how the storyteller would resolve it, and upon resolution, roll our die (even rolls went in our own bowl, odd went to the storyteller).  once oberon received 8 dice from our rolls, he wrapped up all extant loose ends (answered our questions) and ended his story, then we assigned dice to our safety, ambitions, and freedom and rolled.  anyone who lost face with the sultan, or made progress toward their ambitions or freedom then narrated what had happened.  based on these narrations, the next storyteller would set a scene and then tell a story.

the cook was our next storyteller, and he told the story of the three young men who sought to be students of a wise teacher (think mountain-dwelling guru/philosopher type).  the men were Amad the goatherder, Ramad the nomadic tribesman, and Hamad the simple, but learned philosopher.  the teacher only takes one student at a time, so the three end up competing for the honor.  one of them chooses their task - to read and recite from memory passages from the Q'uaran.  the bits with the wise teacher were very amusing (and i only realized *after* the game, were probably intended to poke fun at my wise and wizened character in the game setting) - she spoke through another person - the mouth - and listened through yet another person - the ear.

my story was probably the silliest of all of them.  i managed to come up with a title for it and a generic plot, but it needed some help in its development and i incorporated a lot of goofy things that people suggested (because, hey, why not!).  i called it "the silver  bangle."  and i think i'll go to bed now and save that for another post.  *grin*

posted by: juuitsu at March 17, 2008 22:08 | link | comments (3) |

this really does look a whole lot better in firefox than in IE.  i know.  i looked at it from work and thought, holy crap that looks like ass!  which means i should probably tweak it some more, but, you know, after i paint my bedroom, wash the floors with that wood soap i bought today, and return my REAL bed to its proper place.  it must be spring cleaning.  know what else i did?  washed my bedroom blinds.  now how unnecessary is THAT?  i only had energy for that one set.  i have about 5 other sets that need serious cleaning.  but my arms are tired.  and i'm so over the smell of pine sol.  if anyone out there likes that stuff allow me to send you the rest of mine.  i am finished with it forever.

on friday i was supposed to be finishing up my programming stuff for the May newsletter - it was the one thing i absolutely *needed* to get accomplished.  as such, it was the one thing i didn't want to do.  which is why i found myself constantly distracted by other worthy projects.  i wrote a description (for the newsletter) of our summer volunteer program and then realized that i needed to update the volunteer applications and spent nearly 30 minutes doing that before i was able to tear myself away and refocus on the newsletter stuff.  the applications won't be needed until May 1st.  what the hell am i thinking?  this is how i worked all friday.  i finished the programming info by 1:30, and dove into several other unrelated projects that filled out the rest of my day.  a lot of things just happen to get finished in exactly this weird, wandering, mental state that i get into.  i'm not sure if i like it or loathe it, but it's this kind of distractibility that makes it possible for me to function in an environment where i get interrupted constantly by other things and people and have limited time to devote to any one project.  *shrug*  at least i'm functional this week.  sometimes i have no desire to do anything.  those are probably the weeks i should just take off instead of torturing myself and everyone else. 

posted by: juuitsu at March 17, 2008 21:23 | link | comments |

my monkeymedia love fest ended a couple weeks ago when i tried to rip one of my cds and it told me i'd reached the limit on that sort of behavior - but it would be happy to mp3ify if i'd purchase the full version.  yeah.  i don't think so.  somehow all of the reviews i'd read failed to mention that little caveat.  so, i reinstalled iTunes.  i wasn't happy.  but you know what?  despite it being a total resource hog, it does all the stuff i want it to do.  and it's easy to use.  so, i'm going to stop complaining about it for now and just revel in how well it works (as my processing slowly inches toward capacity).

and...i had something else to say that was tangentially related to that, but it's completely gone now.  that often happens.  i think of something i want to write about and then remember something else that would segue perfectly into the first thing...but by the time i actually make it to that thing it has disappeared.  such is my sieve-like mind.  *dribbles mind-stuff all over the screen*

i made a video this morning of myself talking about a book that i hated.  myself on camera is a scary thing.  i have no tripod so i put the camera on my desk and sat in front of it - a bit too close.  i turned the screen so i could see what it was filming.  there were a lot of excitable forehead moments.  i think i'd like *not* to be known for having an expressive forehead.  my filming definitely needs work.  a LOT of work.  i tried to make my video book review slightly less scathing than my written copy, but i'm not sure i succeeded.  it's still sitting on my camera, because i'm too tired to make myself download, edit, and upload it.  will try to do that by this weekend.  there's a lot of stuff i need to finish before i go on vacay.  i just realized that this other review i signed up to write is due by April 1st.  i thought i'd have more time.  so now that's one MORE thing.  grr.  argh.  but this is a personal goal thing - to write more reviews of things and get them published.  and maybe eventually that will lead to other writing sorts of projects.  which would be nice.  i, apparently, have a lot of opinions about things i read.

posted by: juuitsu at March 17, 2008 21:06 | link | comments (1) |

it's been a long day.  i slept poorly on the futon in the living room and woke up early and stiffly.  i started the bedroom painting project on sunday, knowing that it would probably take longer than i was hoping, but plunging in anyway because i have exactly that kind of energy and determination right now - for that particular project.  i keep wanting to do it and the want isn't going away.  not sure why this particular obsession is the Only Thing That Will Satisfy, but that's how it is.  i prepped the room for several hours.  there was a crack near the door frame that i explored with a metal scraper.  it rewarded me by cracking wide open and spilling...plaster? everywhere.  mess.  the walls are just a mess in general and probably should be redone with either plaster or new drywall.  there were a number of other worrisome cracks that i investigated and sealed.  and then i went nuts with the caulk.  (this is after i washed everything down.)  i read about patching compound that can be painted on, but there was nothing like that at Ace Hardware when i stopped there this afternoon.  i got some more caulk and some spaeckle (sp?) to fill in the rest of the holes and seal around the window.  i should be ready to actually paint once i finish the last of the patching.  everything is masked already (did that last night before i went to bed).  working this evening sucked away any desire i had to finish it up tonight.  oh well.  i'll be spending another night on the futon.  my bod will not be thanking me tomorrow. 

one of the problems with these home improvement projects is that i'm of two minds about how far i should take them.  since i'm only renting, i don't really want to put the Work into things that i would if i owned the space.  there's the dread of having to Undo something to return the place to its original state.  and there's the little voice that keeps saying, "eh, why bother?  let someone else deal with it."  unfortunately, i can't take my grand ideas for apartment transformation to my landlords and say, "hey, wouldn't it be great if we...?"  and then, you know, have them enact my plans to a mutually satisfying conclusion.  i think rental apartment repairs/improvements are probably a lot like HMOs - there's medically necessary and ELECTIVE.  i'm pretty sure all of my *procedures* fall squarely into the elective category.

posted by: juuitsu at March 17, 2008 20:53 | link | comments (1) |

we're in the process of moving the library into emergency headquarters.  our head of maintenance has been working day and night to prepare the space.  it's temporarily being moved into a huge vacant bank.  i arrive shortly after closing to let some people in - some kind of church youth group leadership program.  they mill about doing their planned activities with lots of laughter and camaraderie.  one "team" whips up an excellent vegetable soup (tomato based), which is served round to all of us.

i'm here until whenever - making sure the church group has everything they need (and they seem pretty self-sufficient).  since i'm going to be here for awhile, i climb into a large bed that seems to be central to their activities (it was already in the building), and start reading comics.  i'm soon joined/surrounded by other people who are also waiting.  some kid next to me picks up one of my comic books (the one i'm planning on reading next), and starts paging through it.  he glances over at me to see if i mind - i don't - so he smiles fleetingly and returns his attention to its pages.

i notice that my friend bean is among the youth group leaders.  i guess i always knew she was religious, but it's not something that i think about consciously.  watching her praise the lord and reciting bible verses makes me a little uncomfortable.  and i wonder how much she really believes.  she's laughing and relaxed, she looks normal.  but whenever she counsels someone to take jesus into their lives...well, it freaks me out a little.  so i take a little walk to get away from her and adjust to my discomfort.

there's a guy at the door with his son.  i'm reluctant to let them in.  he says that he's supposed to start tonight - working for our maintenance crew.  but no one has told me anything about that, so i don't know what to do.  i ask him to wait.  the head of maintenance has gone home for dinner, but his right hand man, nikko, is in the building.  i ask nikko if he's expecting this guy, and if he's got some kind of training program prepared.  nikko is unfazed and says, 'yeah, man, i'm supposed to show him around.'  it has taken forever to find him and obtain this answer, and when i get back to the door, i don't see the man or his son.  i track them down eventually and let them in.  they disappear into the crowd.

when things finally close down for the night, i lock up the building and start my walk to the depot.  my friend stacy lou is walking next to me.  her long hair is pulled back into a ponytail that swishes behind her when she walks.  we're talking about the mysterious library moving scheme (i'm convinced that the library director is planning something nefarious), and i realize that stacy doesn't believe that there's anything odd going on.  in fact, she thinks that i'm overly concerned about nothing.  she says, 'well, i think all we need to do is get you a little bit drunk.'  the effect of these words on me is so ridiculously predictable.  i react with rage and injury and retort, 'you know, i'm really sick of people thinking all of their problems can be cured with alcohol.  if you ask me, more problems are created by it than are solved.'  i guess she meant to be helpful.  i guess that was her tactful way of saying, 'dude, you are full of shit.'  but i'm having none of that.  what a stupid thing to say, especially to me.  she glares at me and walks away fast without responding.  something in me feels guilty for hurting her feelings.  something else doesn't care.  obviously she didn't give any thought to how i'd feel before she opened her mouth, and she's supposed to know me so well.  eh.

i don't catch up, even after increasing my pace.  stacylou gets on a bus and takes off for home.  the bus stops every few blocks on this night and the driver is ticked off because it screws with his schedule.  this special duty is BULLshit.  no doubt.

when i get to the depot, i find myself walking with two women i've never met before.  we're downtown and it's getting pretty late.  plenty of other people are walking around trying to get to their buses and make their connections.  we encounter a group of children who beg us to feed them.  i'm eating baguette, and i tear off pieces of bread for them.  they're possibly related, all hungry, claim they have no money and their mom doesn't have time to cook.  she's exhausted.  i look back at "mom" and she's clearly tired and put out and very, very angry with me. i'm not sure why.  she comes right up to me and demands to know what i'm giving those kids.  her breath hisses threateningly in my face and i stop giving "those kids" anything.  the women with me drag me away from the confrontation.

we're recouping in front of dunkin donuts.  there's a huge line that stretches out the door.  it's just a tiny, tiny, storefront.  the women let me know that they're bound and determined to feed those kids.  but, if the authorities should show up, we all have to run.  'great,' i say.  'so what's our plan?'  they send me into the dunkin donuts.  one of them hands me $5, and i stand in line for a really, really, really long time.  when the clerk gets to me, there are still 20 people crammed in around me and she's obviously disgusted with ALL of us.  i ask her for a couple of boston cream donuts.  she bags them and seems ready to move onto the next customer, but i'm not finished.  her eyes slash with irritation, and her mouth goes all thin and smirky.  i should have told her i wanted a dozen from the get go, but she didn't really give me a chance.  she's super annoyed with me (i can tell.  i've been super annoyed in the exact same way hundreds of times before).  she announces that mine is the last order of the night.  and the unserved start to walk away without any kind of complaint.  that's almost as shocking as this woman's behavior.  people who have already ordered are still clustered around tables in the outside seating area, and some are lined up inside at the stools in front of the window.   when my order is ready the clerk tells me my total is $24.90.

jesus.  why are these donuts so damned expensive?  oh, right.  because she hates me.  i start digging around in my bag for the money and some dude comes up and tries to sell me something in broken English.  i can't understand him and i'm becoming increasingly aggravated with everyone.  so i send him off.  or i try to.  he gon't go.  i'm worried that this is some kind of scam, that he's trying to distract me and then rob me while i'm confused.  i refuse to be confused and i put my money away and tell him again to get lost.  he shrugs and goes, but only goes away as far as a nearby table.  from there he continues watching me with this weird, creepy, knowing smile plastered across his face.  what the hell does that mean?  i go back to finding my money.  the clerk is super pissed now.  i keep finding fake bills mixed in with my real money.  it's making me more flustered and frustrated the longer it takes.  finally, i've got $30 counted out for her.  i hand it over and expect some change, but she says, 'it's $30.50.'  wait, what?  'that's right,' she says, 'i had the total wrong before.'  what a bitch.  i pony up the 50 cents and get the hell out of there.

the women, naturally, are gone when i reappear.  i don't know if they bothered to wait even for a little while.  i'm on my own with this huge sack of donuts.  i find the kids (or, at least i think they're the same kids).  they are sitting in a line against the fence the lines a path that runs through the park.  i hand each one a donut.  i tell them they can trade if they want, but that i'm not taking requests.  i just want to be done with this.  the last one is for their mom.  no one thanks me (and to be honest, i don't expect it).  the kids don't make a move to eat their donuts - not even the ones who are holding the donuts in their hands.  i don't know if it's pride, or a scam, or what.  i'm done.  still no women, so i trudge off in search of my bus.  i'm going home.

posted by: juuitsu at March 11, 2008 21:11 | link | comments (2) |

we are sleeping when the storm hits.  the whole building shakes as the wind hits it repeatedly, and i'm out of bed and running to the door before my eyes are even open.  oberon is on the other side, having also arisen with the tremors and groans of the apartment high rise.  i don't stop and we don't speak, but we turn together, clasp hands, and run through the shaking hallway.  the sounds of the storm reach us even in the stairwell, where we run, run, run down to the ground floor.  no one joins us, no one else appears.  so, when we stop to catch our breath, we are alone with the screaming wind and the twisting structure.

one of the outside walls is vented for better air circulation.  the entire thing is riddled with holes, latticed.  and from the lee of the staircase, we watch debris slam through the holes and fly across the room.  it's all very white, and the effect is like being inside of a pressurized paper shredder.  we throw ourselves against a solid wall to stay out of the path of the debris, which shifts as the winds shift.  some of the stuff hits us anyway and we are all over cuts where it rips into our bare skin, and holes where it shreds our pajamas.  the roaring shrieking wind is interrupted by a huge crash as something large hits the latticed wall.  an enormous roll of debris rotates in midair in front of us.  it's impossible to discern whether this is a trick of the wind or if the debris has formed itself into some kind of malevolent tool bent on our destruction.  we are rooted in disbelief for a few seconds while we watch it hover only feet away from us.  then over the wind, over the roll of debris, we hear what can only be the sounds of the building crumbling many, many stories above us.  terrible terrible thunder of floors slamming into floors, crushing whatever is between them into dust.  the dust arrives first, barely, and we are running again - out into the storm, through the debris, through the rubble of the destroyed wall.  we find an abandoned all-terrain land crawler - conveniently unlocked - just outside of the apartment building.  o. takes the wheel and i leap into the back.  we slam the doors shut and take off, driving away from the storm. 

i must have slept.  or been unconscious.  when i awake/come to it's dark out.  oberon is still driving, but we are far away from any civilization.  i press my nose against one of the viewing ports - a reinforced window - and stare out into the night.  after a few minutes i feel decidedly creeped out.  there's no one on the road but us.  there are no people anywhere.  more minutes pass.  they stretch into an hour, hours. every once in awhile i see distant lights - from a single house nestled in the dark (always far from the road), or a cluster, a glow surrounding a town.  but we don't stop.  i can't find any comfort in the lights without any evidence of people.  i'm becoming more and more tense.  or probably, i've been tense since the storm began and the effects of all of the tension are making themselves felt.  finally.  acutely. 

i realize i'm holding a rabbit.  holding onto it for dear life.  nearly crushing it with my rigid arms, holding it physically as i'm holding myself mentally, in abject terror.  it is also terrified, but somehow the unrelenting pressure i'm exerting on it is helping to calm it.  i've effectively become a squeeze shoot.  i wonder if it knows what comes next?  the inevitable slaughter at the end of the soothing pressure.  i let up a bit so it can breathe properly.

where are we going to go?  what's happening?

posted by: juuitsu at March 11, 2008 20:21 | link | comments (4) |

i wish things would just work.  without hassle. 

i was driving home last night and noticed i'd gotten a text message from someone.  so i checked it.  it was number 3 in a series that i've gotten from various bogus numbers - 01010100003.  (i've also received the same - essentially - message from 01010100001 and 01010100002.)  different froms and subjects each time, but same message - go check out this website: www.somethingaboutcrushes.com [not the real site.  if their intention was to draw traffic or google bomb or something, then i don't want to actually get them any hits].  so annoying.  it made me angry all the way home, because there is nothing i can do to block it or OTHER unsolicited texts (or phone calls, for that matter) from reaching me. 

i did complain as soon as i got up this morning - wherever i could and to whomever would listen.  i have lodged complaints, emailed my service provider, emailed the FCC, logged the website/spammy numbers, and read about all of the other people who are experiencing the SAME unwanted texts.  yay.  solidarity, mahn.  some people have gotten 20 or more messages in the SAME DAY from this POS spammer. 

but hey, i shouldn't be so bothered.  and i *wouldn't* be, except that i have to pay for every one of those unsolicited messages.  and i have better uses for my texts.  so i have to raise a fuss over this 30 cents.  because what if it keeps happening?  what if i go over my limit on texts (because i'm using them for other legitimate purposes) this month because of this stupid text spamming?  that, is irritating. 

what irritates me more is someone's suggestion that we simply (all of us experiencing this problem) go over to that website and "unsubscribe."  [did s/he even ask if we'd subscribed in the first place?  no.  and as far as i can tell no one has - this is coming from somewhere else.]  ok.  i have a serious problem with this.  there are all sorts of email scams going down that direct you to go to X website and enter in your personal information...after which they steal your identity, run up your credit cards, infect your computer with viruses, scan your contacts list and spam all of your friends and acquaintances...  yeah, ok, maybe not, but still.  you don't find email providers saying, "oh, if you just go to that site and unsubscribe, you'll be fine."  at least, not without checking out your complaint first.

and while i'm getting all steamed about how i can't *do* anything to fix the problem myself,  [seriously, why can't phones work like instant messaging or email?  you designate a list of numbers that are ok - these can be your address book/contacts, and then only those calls or messages can come through.  if the current phone system can't work like this, then the current phone system needs to be changed.  period.] i start thinking about how this is the perfect way (for anyone who can afford it, to just stop the insanity, or the price of the insanity - stress and per/message charges above and beyond your monthly allotment - by ponying up for  unlimited messaging) for  some service providers to get their customers to pay for more messages.  so, in my case, instead of spending $5.00/month/200 messages, i could pay $20/month/unlimited messages for peace of mind.  and my provider makes an extra $180 off of me per year.  and how many customers do they have?  thousands.  and how many  might be in the same situation?  hundreds?  thousands?  i don't even know.  i think i've just created my very own conspiracy theory.  but i wouldn't be surprised if this sort of thing happens all the time. 

i'm disgusted either way.

but, i read that verizon went to bat for its customers - sued the hell out of some spammer.  maybe that's who my new service provider should be.  *grumble*

posted by: juuitsu at March 09, 2008 21:16 | link | comments |

[edited because i just dashed this off at work and didn't really explain it quite like i wanted to]

i was helping with a tour this morning for a local bigwig, and at the end of it he asked us what we thought the future of libraries was.  and i waited more than a bit impatiently for *my* turn to speak.  and some small part of me stepped back to watch and listen to what i was saying.  this part of me took in how everyone had turned their attention to me, how they were listening and nodding like i was making SENSE.  and it freaked me out.  not only did i have something to say from a professional standpoint, but people were also agreeing with me.

it made me feel grown up all of a sudden.  and that was almost scary.  like, when did i get to be experienced enough, old enough, whatever enough to be grown up?  people are trusting my words, my judgment - they're trusting *me* with responsibility!  ack!  and it's not like i feel i'm incompetent most of the time.  it's just that i'm under the radar.  or i'm not paying attention to the attention that's being paid to me.  i almost felt *wise* for just a moment...but then panicked, because this is *me* we're talking about, right?  they think i'm wise?  are they nuts?  brief flood of happy warmth.  i'm wise!  

this happens to me sometimes when i'm having a meal with my folks and i'm talking about something and suddenly realize that no one's interrupting me.  they're actually listening.  and it's weird.  not because they never listen, but because there have been so many times when i just let their conversations wash over me without even bothering to participate.  there's something adult about my *wanting* to participate now (needing to, even), and something adult in that i'm now treated as an equal by other adults (who traditionally enforced their dominance/superiority over me).  it's bizarre.  i think we probably all turn into children (to some extent) in the presence of our parents. 

most of the time i feel like i'm still, what?  twelve?  sixteen?  i can't really be an adult until i've got it all figured out.  and i've still got so much to work on.  i guess that's the big *adult* secret - they're still figuring it out, too.

posted by: juuitsu at March 06, 2008 12:58 | link | comments (4) |

is that enough for now?  i have three dreams i want to write about...but it's midnight and i meant to lock down the rabbits an hour ago and read.  so much for good intentions.  at least the blog editing is done for the moment.  i need more day in my day and more night in my night.

posted by: juuitsu at March 05, 2008 23:48 | link | comments |

oberon didn't think this was funny:


Q: what do you call a monotreme that falls down a lot?


A: a kersplatypus.



i came up with that on my own.  ok, i had a little help.  i was reading book reviews and ran across a book with  "Kersplatypus" in the title.  i wouldn't be surprised if someone else has also (independent of me) come up with this same not-so-funny.

mostly i like that i incorporated "monotreme" into a joke.  that's classy.

posted by: juuitsu at March 05, 2008 23:45 | link | comments (3) |

and here i was thinking that i'd run out of things to say at last.  it isn't so.

i've been preoccupied with some web projects the last few weeks.  i applied for a new job (decided i didn't want it) and realized that my web hosting service needed to be re-upped.  this is important only because i'd put a link to my online resume on my paper resume (you know, so that they can see i'm proficient with basic html).  it'd look pretty bad if they went to check on that and it failed to materialize.  so, i reupped for another year.  i'm using godaddy.com and it's been kind of a learning experience for me.  there have been things i've wanted to do with my webspace, and i'm not quite tech savvy enough to pull them off.  or i am, but it takes DAYS and then i discover that the reason things *don't* work is because godaddy doesn't allow something that's needed.  so, after finding myself stuck with them for another year, i was a bit annoyed, because i'm not able to DO anything.  argh.  and argh.

i'd been wanting to try out this content management system i'd read about - plinkit (this one is being used by a lot of libraries to manage the content on their websites).  every time i went to visit their site, however, i'd get some kind of error message.  weird.  so i went, instead, to check out drupal (which is what plinkit is based upon), and after reading a bit about it and watching their handy installation video, i thought i'd try that instead.  i'll save you some time now and just say that my installation didn't go as smoothly as it did in the video.  but that's not my fault, or drupal's.  it's godaddy's.  i learned, finally, that my *windows* hosting account was pretty much a joke.  you can't do anything with those.  but, i also learned that you can change it to linux pretty easily.  if you stick to whatever options you purchased with your original account and only change the operating system, there isn't even any charge.  which is great, because i was ready to scream if i had to send them any more money.

so once i did that, i was at least able to see the installation screen (yay!).  i had a problem with something called "globals" being on.  and to fix that i had to make a php.ini file (i think this is what fixed it - i should have written about this right away!) and just save that in my .root directory.  there was a small snafu with the database location not being "localhost," but in drupal's advanced settings, i was able to change where it looked for the database.  after that everything installed perfectly.  except that i then needed the newest version of drupal (which came out during the 2 weeks i was futzing with my installation).  this made me laugh maniacally.  i FINALLY get the damn thing to work and i have to remove all of those files and essentially install it again.  expletive expletive!

i played around a little bit with the *look* of things, but i'm not really getting anywhere.  i don't know much about CSS, and their WYSIWYG editing screen only lets you change some basic things - not the ones that would really make your site look Unique.  maybe i can open their style sheet in my NVU editor and see if i can make the changes i want that way.  what i'd really like to be able to do is define areas on a homepage by dragging and dropping and then adjusting size of said areas.  i'd like to be able to add images and text in the same way - just to get things looking like i want them to.  the other stuff - the organization part - i think will come more easily once i have it looking the way i want it to.  but man, what a learning curve. 

i'm always really proud of myself when i figure these kinds of things out.  but it's just never enough to be able to do what i want to do.  i know that things are possible, but i don't have enough background and LARNING to realize them without lots and lots of research.  i guess in some ways it's good because it teaches me exactly what i need to know and i'm motivated enough to find out at least that much.  but it's also really easy for me to get frustrated, distracted, and overwhelmed by what i don't know.  and i wonder if some kind of grounding would be the best way to get myself started.  crawl before running, you know.

anyway.  i'm wondering if wordpress is any more customizable once it's installed?  or if joomla might be?  i'm pretty sure i'm going to hit the same kind of snag where my design ideas just outstrip my actual skillz, but it'd be nice to know if anyone's had good experience with those or other content management systems.  i'd like to use it as a more *professional* site, so a at least one component of it will be a reading journal/blog.  and, i'd like to be able to tag things, so i can find them again.  and i'd like to be able to link to RA (readers' advisory) lists that i'm making.  and maybe some thoughts about reference and programming and other stuff that i do.  right now it just looks like this.  if you go there and somehow figure out how to sign yourself up for a blog on my site, SHAME on you.  i think i turned that option off.  i hope so.  ;)  mmm.  if anyone has any thoughts or expertise they'd like to share, i'm all ears.  at least for the duration of this particular whim. 

posted by: juuitsu at March 05, 2008 23:38 | link | comments (2) |

ok!  all of that for...that.  i keep wanting to change things.  not only the blog things, but other things as well.  i was flipping through "This Old House" (the magazine) this morning and ooh, it made me want to paint walls.  i thought i could narrow it down to a room.  but really i just want to paint everything except the hallway, and possibly my second bedroom (which doesn't really function as anything except a place for my rabbits to hang out sans me, and somewhere to put my towels.  not too exciting.  later, i was vacuuming and had to move some furniture around (yes, i am occasionally one of those people who vacuums behind and underneath her furniture - you would be, too, if you had the rabbits), and i thought, "hm, i could move this over here and that over there and...maybe i should wash the floors and walls and then paint and THEN move it all back where i want it to be.  i only have time for these projects in my head.  and since i don't own this place, if i change it and it's too risqué for the potential new people, then i have to change it back.  still...i'm very, very tempted.

i'm also tempted to make a video for my kids' book group to watch when i'm away later this month.  my vacation coincides with our meeting (one of my coworkers runs it with me, so it's ok for me to run away occasionally), and i'm supposed to share a book or two that i liked (that i think they should read) and my thoughts about James Patterson's "Maximum Ride: Angel Experiment."  i've not really done this before, so i'm not sure how it's going to work out.  but, assuming i don't get caught up in reorganizing EVERYTHING in the next couple of weeks, i may be able to squeeze it in.

i've had the nicest correspondence with a customer service representative from the company where i recently acquired my new body bar.  the first one arrived in a mangled box and i went back and forth with myself wondering if i should bother trying to get a replacement.  the body bar is a weighted bar that's cushioned with this foam stuff, which makes it grippy and easy to hold.  the foam had been torn away from the bar near one of the ends.  yeah, it was kind of a cosmetic defect, but i could also see it becoming worse over time.  i just want the bar to last a long time.  so i emailed the company and said how disappointed i was that the bar was already damaged.  the rep responded immediately - sent out a new bar to me, and told me that ups would be coming (in the next couple days) to collect the damaged bar and its packaging.  and that is exactly what happened.  plus?  he treated me like a real person - not a problem - and he addressed my concern without resorting to a form letter.

have you ever noticed how some customer service reps (and responses) don't even address the issue you've raised?  i mean, if they bother to answer you at all.  it's infuriating. 

compare that *excellent* experience to the one i had with at&t/cingular...  i've been getting all of these calls from fax machines (it *could* be a single fax machine, i have no idea) that come up as "UNKNOWN" on my cell phone.  and there's no way i can call them back and tell them that my number's not a fax number.  this past week, i got over 20 such calls over a couple hours.  since there's no way i can block the number myself, and there's no way i can contact them, i emailed at&t to ask them what the heck i could do about it.  and gently reminded them that the last time i contacted them about the SAME problem, they never responded to my inquiry.  i really shouldn't complain.  i mean, they did respond this time, and the response was even related to my question!  but there's nothing they can do.  except change my number.  so i'm going to have to do that (they say they *waive* the fee for changing the number under these sorts of circumstances...i really hope that's true).  and they referred to me as mr. watusi-san at the beginning of their response, and then mrs. watermelon-san at the end (sex change pending?) and not ms. watanabe at all.  which made me laugh.  someone's only paying attention with half a brain.  *sigh*

posted by: juuitsu at March 05, 2008 22:51 | link | comments |

yeah.  editing.  again.  not finished.  but too tired to go on tonight.  i hear it's a bit hard to read.  i'll work on it later.  snorry.

posted by: juuitsu at March 04, 2008 21:50 | link | comments (5) |

i'm doing laundry.  it's all in a heap (clean) in the middle of my living room floor, where i will (hopefully) get around to folding it (eventually).

it's 49 degrees!!!  but there's still too much snow and ice covering the sidewalks to walk much outside.  i went to the gym and walked there instead.  and lifted some weights.  and stretched for about thirty minutes.  mmm.  stretch.  while i was in some twisty yoga position with my eyes closed, two women entered the aerobics room behind me and started lunging toward me like they were going to stomp on my head.  the floor shook.  it was a little less than relaxing.  shortly after they left, a mother and son combination came in and started jumping rope.  right next to my HEAD.  there's like, acres of floor, acres of other parts of the gym they could be in, but no, they choose right next to me.  i am particularly territorial when there are lots of other places that people could be.  it's actually better when places are crowded, because we all kind of realize, oh there's nowhere else to go.  sorry.  i'm going to be sweating *right* next to you.

finished up "Walking in Circles Before Lying Down" (Merrill Markoe) which is about a woman whose dog starts talking to her - in her head.  and then she notices she can understand all dogs.  it's a modern day, chick-lit, doctor doolittle.  she has issues.  most of them are related to the emotional succubi in her life (family, lame ass excuses for human beings that she dates).

this bit made me smile a little:

"...it was hard to grasp the way so many things were changing.  For instance, when I stepped inside the apartment, he gave me a hug.  And I noticed that he smelled good.  Lucky for me he was so bad at advancing that all I had to do was not retreat."  (p. 268)

admitting that i *do* in fact kiss in parking lots has made a world of difference.  ;)

posted by: juuitsu at March 02, 2008 17:58 | link | comments (2) |

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