veiled exuberance

none shall pass.

the pizza was only ok.  in case you were wondering.  i really like deep dish best.  and there's a pizza from California Pizza Kitchen - the Sicilian - that's quite nice, too (ultra-thin crust).  and Barnaby's used to be really good, but i haven't had it in years.  what i really wanted was something with a nice spicy sauce and some sausage on it.  pizza place on the square?  you suck.

posted by: juuitsu at October 30, 2007 21:42 | link | comments (6) |

dream

we're stuck in Indiana.  this has happened before.  oberon's still got his one hot air balloon ride ticket, which will get *one* person back to Chicago, but not two.  we need other options, but we're taking our time finding them.  it's a warm, sun-bright afternoon and we're out in a crowded field, making our way to the place we got lucky last time we were here.  we're following what, by now, is a well-worn path through the Sunday farmer's market.  not in a hurry.  i stop several times to talk to people - one such person is a boy of about 10 or 11 years of age who makes wooden flutes.  he explains the process of carving them and shows me how to play one.  oberon nudges me after awhile and we move on.  when we break out of the market and the crowd i can see two hills in the distance.  "we're really close," i say.  "that's where we left from last time...we could walk there."  no, oberon argues, no we should find an option here, right here.  i shrug.  it might be more expensive or more complicated, but it doesn't really matter.

we start making inquiries.  something about us attracts the attention of a cop in the vicinity.  i'm not sure what decides him, but he's all of a sudden in our faces and under the impression that we're bad news, we're trying to leave the country, we've got contraband, connections with drug cartels.  you name it.  we are BAD.  i'm trying to explain how we're just looking for a way to get to Chicago (i've even got oberon's air balloon ticket - it specifically says "Chicago").  he's waaaay beyond his capacity to listen and it frustrates me even as i am perplexed by it.  oberon is arguing with him, too.  people are beginning to notice.  we're now a throng, soon to be a crowd, and the cop is looking really.really ugly. 

he shoots me mid-sentence.  in the head.  in the fucking head.  my mouth is open wide, but nothing is coming out - not words, not sounds, not anything...and then blood.  lots of blood.  the bullet goes through my skin just beneath my jaw, rips through my cheek, and exits somewhere around my ear.  blood gushes from my ear.  i think i'm dead.  i think i'm mortally wounded.  it hurts like hell.  the initial shock is so great that i can't even move.  time just stops while i open and close my mouth like a fish.  then i realize that he missed my brain.  he missed a whole lot of vital bits and i'm still kicking.  when i can finally think again, i also realize i'm pissed.

everyone around us is screaming.  it's hard to focus.  some of them are raving hysterically and accusing us of terrible things.  they're playing right into the cop's hands.  they don't know us, have never seen us before, but they suddenly *remember* how we tried to sell them drugs, or how they saw flashes of our concealed weapons.  other people are arguing that we're just kids (kids?) and we haven't done anything wrong.   i push the people back.  i  turn to the cop.  oberon's yelling at him.  yelling nonsense right in his face.  i take a step forward.  the cop looks away from oberon, looks at me walking toward him.  oberon's had it.  he grabs the cop's gun and puts it to his head.  the muzzle butts painfully into his ear.  instant absolute silence from the cop, from the crowd.

the cop looks like Weird Al - back when he had long hair.  he's got brown curly hair, kind of slicked back with some product, and glasses that take up half of his face.  he should be scared or sorry or something, but he's not.  he looks petulant and somehow triumphant.  his eyes are cold and hard and something about his face smirks even though his lips haven't moved.  self-assured asshole.  oberon jabs the gun into his ear harder.  the smirk disappears.  there's some tension now, some fear.  he becomes still as he waits for oberon to decide. 

i can't let oberon decide.  we haven't done anything wrong.  and if he makes us, if he goads oberon into shooting him, killing him, that would be the worst.  i can't let him do that to us.  i want to see this cop lose everything that's important to him.  i want to watch the light go out of his eyes as his spirit breaks under the weight of all the shit he's fucked up.  i'm so very, very angry.  i want to see him crucified.  i'll see to it personally, if i have to.  but i can't let oberon shoot him.

so i scream at him instead as oberon holds the gun on him.  "why the hell did you shoot me, you motherfucking asshole?  you come down here like the fucking light brigade to what?  put an End to whatever is going on?  do you even *know* what's going on?  do you normally shoot anyone found searching for the bus station?  what the fucking *fuck* is your problem?  you shot me in the fucking HEAD."  i punch him in the face.  it's a Really Good Punch.  his head rocks back.  i wish someone had told me that i knew how to hit like that.  when he looks up again i spit.   and then there's all my blood all over his face.  hey, there's something good about having been SHOT IN THE HEAD.  fucking idiot.

i yank on oberon's elbow to get him to lower the gun.  his arm is adrenaline-locked, but i finally get it down.  he looks at me, having come to the realization - as i did only moments before - that i'm not dead.  the crowd is pretty quiet.  everyone's just looking at us.  we start walking away from The Scene, but we're not more than 20 feet away when the cop is back at it, muttering something about Contraband, Mexico.  i stomp back over to him and shake our ticket in his face.  "Chicago, asshole.  we're going to Chicago.  not Mexico.  NO CONTRABAND.  stupid motherfucking cop." 

and the alarm goes off.

posted by: juuitsu at October 30, 2007 21:29 | link | comments (10) |

attack of the mini slugs! 

i've been noticing a lot of slugs lately - on the sidewalk in the mornings when i'm out walking.  a sidewalk doesn't seem to me the best place for a slug to be.  and this rhymes.  great!  i see a children's picture book in my future.

TELL ME SLUGS, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WE ARE FLEEING THINGS WE FEAR!

THE SIDEWALK, SLUGS, IS HOT AND DRY
IF YOU STAY THERE, YOU WILL FRY!

IT IS TRUE, THIS THING YOU SAY...
WE WILL NOT STAY HERE LONG TODAY.

SLUGS!  BE CAREFUL UNDERFOOT!
PEOPLE WATCH NOT WHERE THEY PUT...

*SQUISH*

doh.  that's torn it.

posted by: juuitsu at October 29, 2007 22:32 | link | comments (4) |

apparently, it's really hard to get pizza from this restaurant here on the square.  or, this wasn't meant to be, and some higher power is trying to keep me from the 'za.  will i get food poisoning?  will i die in flames on my way to retrieve it?  i wonder.

so.  the place i want to try is like RIGHT over there.  seriously.  it is.  but i thought i'd save myself two trips and yanno, call them first, then just go pick up my order.  yeah.  they're not in the phone book.  how can they not be in the phone book?  they sure aren't under pizza.  not under restaurants.  a bit more searching in yet another phone book has them under restaurants - but no menu.  *sigh*  they do have a website.  great!  so i look at their menu online and then phone them.  "can i put you on hold for a minute?" asks the frazzled young woman on the other end.  "sure!" i say.  i'm not so *sure* 7 minutes later when she *still* hasn't returned to see what it is that i want.  what *do* i want?  pizza?  maybe not. 

so.  i walk over.  because i seriously could have walked over, ordered the pizza, waited for the pizza, gotten the pizza and been home by now if i'd just done that in the first place.  the restaurant is mobbed.  some dude in front of me has been waiting for his table for 40 minutes and there's some glitch in their reservations system and it's taking 3 staff people to figure out what's going on.  after they're done with him they studiously ignore me.  even though i'm staring right at them. even though i've said, "hey, hi..."  stupid people.  so i say loudly, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN PLACE AN ORDER FOR TAKE-OUT?"  and finally, some action.  the guy who was only moments before ignoring me really hard looks up and smiles then points to the bar and says, "you have to go all the way through the restaurant and then make a left."  ok.  i go back to the bar.  all of the lefts i can make are into the kitchen or into the bathrooms.  so i ask again at the bar - bartender, btw, is really prompt with the seeing what i need and the answers.  he points to a door - clearly marked EXIT - and says, "you gotta go through there."  guess what?  that door isn't really an exit.  it's really a door that leads to a whole other place where you can place an order for takeout.  finally. 

not so finally.  there's no one at the counter there.  there's no way to get anyone's attention.  i'm ready to leap over the counter and start shaking the cooks (i really want pizza!).  finally this dude saunters over - he's got a big bag of cheese - and he lets the counter lady know that there are people who NEED assistance (i've been joined by another person by this time).  she puts together the last of an order (for that other person) and finally (!!!) it is my turn.  i could just die. 

k.  so now i'm home waiting for my order to be ready.  it will be ready in about 5 minutes according to my watch.  i really really really hope that it is.  because i'm really really really hungry now.  i ordered the italian gourmet pizza.  it has sassage on it.  and other stuff.  cheesy, sassy stuff.  mm.  i hope.  mm.

posted by: juuitsu at October 27, 2007 19:26 | link | comments (3) |

i did a casual etsy flyby and found the following

yes.  they are little uteri that you can hang from your ears.  weep at their...cuteness?  the caption on the store page says "Uteri in the sky."

posted by: juuitsu at October 26, 2007 21:51 | link | comments (2) |

how can i sleep (now it's 3 a.m.) when there are songs like "Leave the Biker" to be sung?

"and i wonder if he ever has cried because he couldn't get a date for the prom?  he's got his arm around every man's dream.  crumbs in his beard from the seafood special.  oh, can't you see my world is falling apart?  baby, please leave the biker, leave the biker, break his heart."

posted by: juuitsu at October 24, 2007 03:10 | link | comments |

"she fucking hates me..." ~ Puddle of Mud

guilty pleasure.  :)

so much for being responsible and Getting Things Done.  well, ok, no.  i am getting things done.  i'm just seriously screwing with my rest.  but i've wanted to have some time to write because i'm all itchy to do it.  other things keep intervening.  all of this outpouring is a result of things being on my mind and having no outlet for them.  i'm more likely to write than i am to speak.  my speaking has interesting effects.  i booktalked some books to people this afternoon, after which the Goddess told me she *loves* my booktalking.  "why?" i asked, "because i make up words when i can't think of the ones i want to use?"  "well, there's that," she said, "but also, you make me want to read everything!"  hey, that's high praise.  i guess it's good that people still manage to understand me even when i have to resort to blatant neologizing.  see?  here i go again.

oberon took me to see a really cool play on sunday - Defiant Muse.  i came up with a one sentence description of it for mr. wang who wanted to know what it was about.  i said, "it's about a nun with a sword - i'll have a better story (hopefully) after i see it." we managed to add a few adjectives to that.  it's *really* about a passionate, feminist, scholarly, erudite, eloquent, possibly lesbian, nun with a sword.  better?  it's the story of Sor Juana, one-time confidante and friend to the Vicerine (married to the Viceroy Antonio Sebastian de Toledo, marquis de Mancera).   her writings got her in trouble with certain members of the church (Catholic) in Mexico, and to thwart her, her spiritual advisor plotted to have her raped.  she escaped injury and indignity and took refuge in a nunnery where she continued her *blasphemous* writings with the support of more liberal church officials.  she had an ongoing dialogue in her imagination and in her plays with Don Juan, who helped her explore the morality of a man who had his own system of self-governance and rules. 

it was really good.  and the set was gorgeous - stone archways and two stories with a large central area for staging Sor Juana's plays, as well as the swordplay between her and Don Juan.  i could have used a bit more swordplay and finesse with said swordplay, but i still really enjoyed it.  Sor Juana was such a strong and determined character - she was able to match wits and points of ecclesiastical doctrine with the best of the religious scholars.  admirable.  she Kicked Ass.  and i dig women who kick ass.

posted by: juuitsu at October 24, 2007 02:16 | link | comments (4) |

my eloquence this evening knows no bounds.  i give you foot in mouth disease:

juuitsu: i intend to finish a few things.
mr. wang: i intend to go pass out
juuitsu: sleep well.
mr. wang: talk to you later
juuitsu: k.
juuitsu: send me a picture of your thing.
juuitsu: um.
mr. wang: HAHAHAHAAHAHAH
juuitsu: and by "thing" i mean the design project.
mr. wang: ok
mr. wang: i will
mr. wang: night

posted by: juuitsu at October 24, 2007 00:59 | link | comments (1) |

hi, hello, it's been forever...

one wonders why i am up so late when there is work and such tomorrow, but one decides to question is to face one's stupidity.  one is reluctant to do so. 

but since i *am* up....
hey, how's it going?

you seem to be...married?  or you've designed a whole new last name for yourself - go you!  i'm not.  no plans to be.  but, have been seeing a cute boy for a couple years now.  we only just kissed and stuff.  it's fantastic and we wonder why we didn't do it before.  i blame the previous guy for making me all hesitant.  :)

i'm currently at the mercy of my capricious iTunes music library.  i was listening to david sedaris' sketch about santa and the 6-8 black men.  and then it suddenly switched to something else and now it's 1 a.m. and i'm not sure how i got here...except that i just wrote a novel to my friend dava, and it looks like you could be getting something similar.  thank your lucky stars.  it's going to be a little crazy because this is my brain on no sleep.

so.  wow.  how was um, all of that intervening time between high school and now?  ;)  i think we may have run into each other a few times in between, but i'm not recalling much about those times.  i drove past Clark and Belmont this past weekend and thought about how we stole away to Medusa's for your birthday and how that was so not something i could tell my folks, because the city is a Wicked and Dangerous place.  i wrote a short story about it for miss nick's class in high school.  it was the one thing she liked about me.  i wonder if she identified with it or if she decided at the last minute that she didn't really want to crush my, then, fragile ego under her hard-soled shoe.  it's a mystery. 

i've been mostly here.  there was a stint in Baltimore right after college, where i thought i'd be a veterinarian (part of the warrior princess-author-veterinarian-etc. identity crisis).  i became an unofficial veterinary technician kennel person moonlighting as an adoption counselor...assisted with surgery and nearly passed out.  who knew that living flesh was so very gross and disturbing on the inside?  actually, it wasn't that pet insides were so gross, it was just so wrong to be cutting them open and messing around with them - in a fundamental way.  surgery would do better to be much less invasive.

then i thought i might write for a living.  or at least go back to school and get an MFA.  so i moved back home for awhile so i could apply to grad school.  goodbye social life hello mom and dad!  not that i was living it up in any wild and crazy way in Baltimore - i was way too poor (even though i was working 70 hours a week - student loans, you know) and my best work acquaintances had drug dependencies that made me too nervous to hang out with them outside of work.  the straight-edged one liked to drive around and beat people up.  seriously. 

i flew out to Washington state to visit the one program that had accepted me.  it was in the most un-beautiful part of the state imaginable.  and after driving through all of those mountains to get there i was unimpressed.  so i left.  after an hour.  and drove to Bellingham and thought about what my life should be.  no idea.  fretted a lot.  came back home and worked some more.  got fed up.  quit everything to hike the Appalachian Trail.  i was three days into it (and a helicopter had nearly landed on my tent in the middle of the night) when i stepped wrong down the trail and felt my knee twist.  i hit the ground hard and didn't get up for a long time.  some people with a cell phone helped me call for help - we were near a road so it wasn't too hard to get someone out to rescue me.  and i got a free ride to the fire station where i stuffed envelopes for my rescuer's wife and waited for a ride to the Greyhound station (the guy who ferried me there was one of the guys Bill Bryson wrote about in 'Walk in the Woods' - sweet!).  i called my brother from the pay phone outside the station and cried because my dream had died.  there's only so much enthusiasm you can pin on something, and i knew that i'd never be in the same moment again.  i was hoping that hiking the AT would be one of those huge life-altering experiences - i had one in college and it's addictive.  not necessarily because it's Great all the time, but because it's so meaningful that it puts everything else into perspective.  you have perfect clarity, and i so seldom have that about anything.  who does?

more jobs.  realized that i was working with books all the time.  and people.  and that in my folks that sort of thing had inspired...LIBRARIANSHIP.  oh god.  it's amazing what a difference visible, verbal, vocal support makes.  when i announced my intention to go to grad school for library science suddenly EVERYONE was on my side.  i wondered if they'd shown that kind of support when i talked about getting an MFA (as opposed to an MLS) if i'd have convinced myself to go to Washington.  hm.  grad school was kind of a reprise of college - lots of cool people in one place, lots of people to hang out with, lots of late nights spent in the engineering library.  Urbana ended up being a really good place for me.  and that's kind of funny, because i remember visiting peloquin there and telling him that it was like one huge concrete parking lot.  and he'd agreed with me.  i lived right near the Urbana Free Library, and this place called Strawberry Fields (which had THE best fresh baked bread), and the farmer's market.  i couldn't have picked a cooler part of town if i'd tried. 

in addition to earning the MLS, i also had knee surgery - so no more knee incidents (i hope).  yay!

and slightly after i graduated i got a job out here - which is almost as far as one can get away from things.  i feel exactly how far it is every time i want to visit people.  everyone is so far away. 

i'm now a young adult librarian.  i thought i just liked the books that were being published for teens, but it turns out that i like a lot of the teens, too.  surprise surprise. i have a like-hate relationship with work.  there's some really fun, creative, artistic, writerly stuff that i love to do - but also lots of things i'm not too keen on.  the library board and administration have kept it challenging by rearranging collections and things so that we no longer have a room to have programs in.  so i always feel at odds - i'm supposed to want to attract teens to the library (and i do want to do this), but at the same time, there's nowhere here for them to hang out, so it just seems like i'm bound to disappoint them.  grrr.  a number of other things also get on my last nerve, but that keeps me looking at other opportunities.  and, when i find a good one, i'll see about making a change.  i'll have been herefor 3 years in November.  that seems like a crazy long time to me.

so i can elaborate on any of this stuff.  but it's your turn.  what have *you* been doing for the past, oh, say, fifteen years?

*grin*

posted by: juuitsu at October 24, 2007 00:54 | link | comments |

so many things!  and it feels like it's been so long since i had time to write about anything that's going on.  this.must.not.be.

i skipped out on my weights class today because i wanted to be outside.  the sun is setting earlier and earlier and i'm missing it - i keep thinking how soon it's going to be really cold (it's actually really cold right now - supposed to be down in the 30s tonight) and i won't want to go out at all.  and being really cold finds me soaking in hot baths and bundled up in blankets munching on chocolate.  which may *sound* cozy, but can't be all that healthy.  *sigh*  wish i'd had my camera with me...our polluted sky put on an excellent show.  i had two flocks of geese calling above, and their Vs passed directly in front of the nearly-full moon, which rose bright and high in the sky just opposite the setting sun.  the clouds were purple to pink to orange and the sky at their edges was a pale turquoise.  seriously gorgeous.

i'm trying to finish up "Emma" (Jane Austen) for my book club meeting on thurs.  i had the book-book copy out last month and it put me to sleep every time i tried to read it.  i like language, and Austen uses a LOT of it.  but...ok, Emma is driving me crazy.  she's meddling in everyone's lives, and she doesn't have any useful employment or activity (she and her friends spend all of their time devising plans and getting together and generally waltzing through their days).  i'd go completely batty if i lived like she did.  and there's endless DISCUSSION about everything.  sometimes i want to wring her neck.  shut UP, already, woman!  i'm struck by just how closely "Clueless" follows the story.  i almost want to show *that* to my group instead of the Gwyneth Paltrow film.  maybe we'll have time to watch a little bit of each.  right!  so, i'm listening to "Emma" now.  i missed a bit because a couple of the discs were scratchy, but i don't think i missed much.  important.  *shakes head*  i really liked "Pride and Prejudice."  was it just better?  or was i on crack?

met with some people about this big project that i've been dreading.  it originated at the high school and they contacted us to see if we might want to be involved - it seemed to me like they just wanted us to do all of the work...and by "us" i mean "me," because of the age group involved (even though it has the potential to include adults and children - not just teens).  i was really afraid that there'd be a lot of pressure for me to do this because of the positive *relationship* we'd be forming with the school...and that i'd become a total raving bitch because of it.  i was plotting my defection earlier this morning, and then we had the meeting and it was actually good.  the hs librarian is really eager to participate and had really reasonable expectations about the time and effort involved in doing something like this.  she is not the person who initially contacted us.  and, in fact, that person didn't even show up to the meeting - despite having emailed me to say she'd be there.  so that was...confusing, to say the least.  still.  i feel so much better about it that i don't even care.  i think it'll be manageable as long as all of these people are willing to pitch in and it doesn't become *my* project.  that's a huge relief.

posted by: juuitsu at October 23, 2007 21:04 | link | comments (19) |

cramps are cramping my style.  i think i will just curl up and die. 

posted by: juuitsu at October 22, 2007 19:14 | link | comments (2) |

dream

the lady of the house is quietly tending to things around the house.  there are several gentlemen guests staying in her small hotel, so she keeps her hair covered as she works - bustling between her family's more private apartments and the common areas.  i've been here 3 days, and already i feel as though i know the proprietress in a more friendly capacity.  it helps that i'm a woman and she has felt easy enough with me to let me see beyond the veil. 

it's night and no one wants to go out - it's probably dangerous to be out after dark if you don't have an end destination in mind.  people here don't "hang out" at night - unless they're looking for some kind of trouble.  i've engaged the tv set for the evening and they (and other people staying in kalmira's establishment) are involved in their own pursuits.  no one is paying attention to what i'm doing/watching.  it's a strange combination of alone and with.  i flip through the channels until i find some kind of Arabic or Indian soap opera.  i'm immediately caught up in it - so much so that i literally become the female lead. 

she's me in many ways.  a stranger in a strange land.  and as her, i meet and begin a relationship with a man i shouldn't know.  he is tall, dark-skinned, wears his beard thick and full.  once i've seen him, i can't stop noticing him.  our eyes meet over and over again - across the street, across the market, across rooms we happen to share.  i've read all sorts of lascivious thoughts in his bright, dark eyes and in the amused, yet sensual set of his lips.  there's a strange, yet completely natural intimacy between us before we've even exchanged words.  the attraction is immediate, but perilous.  men and women don't have casual relationships here.  they don't date.  they do not indulge their fantasies unless bride prices have been discussed and gifts have been exchanged.  no one makes their own arrangements.  no one tries before they buy.

even though nothing has happened, the impropriety of what has not yet been between us is a terrible and exciting secret.  this sort of thing is strictly forbidden here, and if anyone should catch us, see us, report us there would be consequences - stoning comes to mind.  it seems impossible for us to avoid detection because there are no truly private places we can talk.  so we simmer in one another's heated gazes and pass notes like school children when we accidentally on purpose brush past one another in the streets.  we cannot trust anyone, because anyone can be bribed, bought, sold for a few coins.  this is a harsh, fierce culture, and intolerance breeds more intolerance.  moreover, i am not of it.  if people notice anything it is me, because i stick out despite my efforts to blend in.

days go by and no one sees.  he suggests a restaurant in town.  we will arrive separately.  we will sit in different places.  no one will know we are together.  we will burn quietly apart.

and the show ends there, i find myself back in my body staring up at the television and anticipating this meeting that will take place. 

a friend arrives some time later and asks me why i'm so moony.  i tell her about the tv show.  we whisper conspiratorially until we fall asleep in a tangle of blankets on our pallets on the floor.  she pokes me into consciousness a few hours later  and points up at the glowing screen.  "is that him?" she whispers.  it *is* him.  he is striding across the restaurant right toward me.  this isn't supposed to happen.  we lock eyes and he takes my hand and leads me outside.  i want to ask where we're going, but i'm afraid to speak - not afraid of him, but afraid how people around us may interpret this scene.  i'm not able to read his intent from his expression or his actions, but i trust him.  or i don't care what's going to happen after...after whatever is going on now.

he takes me around back where there is a tall tree.  some twisted man is high up in its branches, coating them with a viscous substance that hardens after a few minutes.  it looks like caramel - same color, similar consistency.  the man jumps nimbly down when he is finished and i realize he's not at all old...nor is he a man.  his lips pull back to reveal multiple rows of sharp teeth.  he grins this menacing toothy grin and with a snarl has disappeared. 

the proprietress comes running out of the restaurant with a dog.  she takes my hands and shouts something to the dog who runs up the tree and immediately begins digging at the caramel.  "we must get it off!" she says to me.  we begin scratching at the bark, too, getting chips of the caramel stuck under our nails.  after some initial resistance, it chips off rather easily.  she explains that it is a curse, that horrible things will happen if we don't counteract it immediately.  i feel stupid for not knowing and for being such an outsider.  these are things she knows from having been born and raised here, from living here her whole life.  i wonder if the "magic" is real, or if it is only real if you believe in it.  the man is nowhere to be seen.  his absence is reflected in the hollowness within me. 

i wake.

this was one of those strange blendy dreams where i keep shifting effortlessly from person to person and experiencing stuff from all different points of view.  sometimes i'm even the omniscient narrator. 

posted by: juuitsu at October 18, 2007 08:50 | link | comments (3) |

i found the following apology note (a little lavender card with a bird on it) on top of our ready reference shelves; it reads:

Please forgive me.

Juuitsu:
I'm sorry.  I made a stupid mistake.  I hope that you can eventually feel better towards me.  All I can say is that I want to earn your trust back and I'll do whatever it takes to do that.  I love you very much!  [signature looks like Marty??  unintelligible]

i have no idea what this refers to, or if i am the "juuitsu" referred to in the note.  if not, hm, what a coincidence!  who is this person?  what did s/he do?  what's with the love?  not that love isn't good...but if there's love, shouldn't i have some idea what this is about?  curious.

posted by: juuitsu at October 16, 2007 16:15 | link | comments (4) |

so many cool ideas in my head about fun work things i could do...competing with a desire NEVER to return.  ooh, they should have given me more me time!  :)  sometimes i just want to pack up all of my creative energy in its own moving box and get the heck out of Dodge.  [Dodge is a strange place.  everyone must end up there somehow - like Douglas Adams' Restaurant at the end of the universe - and everyone wants to leave.  is it because of what they *do* once they get to Dodge?  events that led up to Dodge?  is Dodge really some kind of metaphor for hell?  hm.  inquiring minds want to know.  this is probably a good topic for Modern Jackass...but we have yet to find a place/format/etc. for the polliblog.]

i kept checking my email before i went to bed...because i've been  mostly offline all week [yes, this *is* like being mostly DEAD].  and mostly offline is a bad place to be - if you are me, and you are feeling cut off from people you'd rather be talking to and cooped up with people you'd rather not.  i was in withdrawl earlier this week.  i'm better now.  but there's still that telltale twitch.  internets?  *twitch*  me?  noooo.  i'm fine.  *jerk*  and i kept noticing [this is actually the part that relates to the first part of the first sentence - in case you, like me, were wondering where the hell i was going with this] the outside temperature was hovering in the high 30's.  THIRTIES?  jesus christ!  so i put another blanket on the bed.  and kept my socks on.  and wore a hat.  and took a sweater under the covers with me in case i needed it once i got up.  i am turning into my mother...  ack.

and now it is time to go to yoga.

posted by: juuitsu at October 13, 2007 06:39 | link | comments (2) |

to the punks cavorting in the alley - shut up, you little weasels!

apologies to the weasels.

posted by: juuitsu at October 12, 2007 18:32 | link | comments |

so, i've been at a conference most of this week (and, in fact, am still at a conference)...and it has been a bit of a hassle from the get go because of *travel arrangements* and my reluctance to be responsible for a group of people other than myself.  why is it that people who travel in groups automatically become this entity that can neither think nor act for itself?  it horrifies me.  by last night i was dead sick of waiting around for people to assemble and decide where to eat and what to eat and basically fidget and fuss over every little decision.  it does not mesh well with my, "what are you preparing, you're always preparing - JUST GO" philosophy.  not that a little planning mightn't be helpful, but at some point you just have to do SOMETHING already.  whatever.  just go.

i should say that a great deal of my intolerance for others is probably due to too much togetherness smacking headfirst into my customary solitude.  i'm really good at doing for myself and sometimes i don't have a lot of patience where other people are concerned.  so, after tapping my foot a lot while i waited for everyone to exchange morning pleasantries when i had to BE somewhere in 10 minutes i managed to drag storytime lady off with me.  we were late.  all the good seats were taken.  we were the LAST people to get breakfast (not a good start when you're hungry and hunger makes you cranky).  i was still somewhat annoyed with her after the session ended, so i took off by myself immediately afterward (not having anything pressing for another hour or so) and went on a walking tour of my own design.  it was nice to not have anyone with me.  (well, technically, that's not true.  i really enjoy the company of some select few...i am just *really* done with my coworkers.  i've been really done for the past couple weeks.  it hasn't helped that i'm now spending more than 8 hours a day with them.  again.  i think the lesson here is that you do NOT need to do everything together.  and, in fact, it is more than okay to strike out on your own and see new places and meet new people.  *shrug*  one more day!  *squee!*

***

and now for something completely different...

i heard the most disturbing thing in the women's restroom earlier today.  i was checking my messages (because i am one of those people who checks their messages in restroom stalls) and i heard the woman in the next stall berating herself or whispering some kind of anti-fat mantra.  she said - with intense self-loathing - "you are so fucking fat.  it's disgusting.  DISGUSTING."  she was talking to herself.  it was scary.  was she bulimic and working up the courage to purge?  or perhaps she was giving herself some kind of *shudder* "pep" talk?  it's awful that someone could say things like that and really feel that kind of hatred for herself. 

posted by: juuitsu at October 11, 2007 17:51 | link | comments (4) |

we just spent dinner analyzing my brother's friend's relationship with his fiancee.  she's only 21, he's 30 (which doesn't make him more experienced, necessarily, but does make her parents way uneasy) - they both have a lot of growing up to do.  she's trying to insinuate herself into every part of his life, which, on the surface, seems like honest interest, but really is an attempt to submarine the things about him of which she does not approve (which, right now, is anything that bores her).  today they had a fight (no one is sure what this was about) and MBF decided that he had to spend the rest of the day with her in order to make it up (coincidence or careful planning?).  he sent flowers after their last fight - a dozen roses of some obscure variety that had to be shipped in from afar that set him back $85.  i wouldn't peg him as someone with that kind of disposable income.  but his fiancee, apparently, sees in him income with which she can dispose.  she's also told MBF that he is to be *saving* his money for their apartment (both of them are currently living with family, neither has lived on their own before)...but in addition to expensive make up gifts, she's also accustomed to dining out regularly.  is it just me or are these two things at odds?  i asked my brother whether the engagement/marriage thing had been MBF's idea or his fiancee's.  he doesn't know for sure, but believes that it was strongly suggested by the fiancee.  MBF's dating philosophy up until now has been to ask any woman out who demonstrates adequate conversation skills.  so, basically, if she can (and will) talk to him, she's datable.  i wonder if maybe he's bitten off more than he can chew with this one.

the fiancee seems a bit controlling.  the fiancee seems a bit insecure.  the fiancee seems a bit young.  the fiancee seems determined to substantiate/perpetuate the myth that women are expensive to date/keep/etc.  it's irritating.  but maybe, maybe it's mostly that she's young and she's been socialized in this time and place (and therefore has certain ideas about what it means to be in a relationship, to be someone's girlfriend/fiancee, etc.).  i can be a whole lot more forgiving of these character flaws if there's an openness on her part to learn what *really* works.  it's like watching an accident, though.   you can see exactly how they're going to come together and how they'll twist and rend one another (maybe) just because they don't know how to do it any other way.  and you think, "ok, and if they survive that, hopefully they'll walk away having learned *this* lesson."  if they don't learn, they just end up in another pile-up.

so, obviously there are women out there looking for projects, and there are men who want to be transformed - right?  what do they see?  potential?  does that ever really work?  because what you're doing, no matter what side of the equation you're on, is focusing your attention outside of yourself.  you either attempt to remake someone else in your own image, or you allow yourself to *be* remade.  and i think you lose sight of who you are.  no one can tell you that - you have to figure it out for yourself.  "YES, YES!  WE MUST ALL THINK FOR OURSELVES!"  *silly grin*

it kinda sucks that we all have to learn these things for ourselves, first hand.  until you've experienced it, and found your way to your own inevitable conclusion advice doesn't have any value.  we're all hindsight 20/20.

i don't know MBF particularly well, and i've never met his fiancee, so the whole conversation was just a diversion for me.  poor MBF is going to have to live with his particular diversion, though, and i don't envy him that.

posted by: juuitsu at October 07, 2007 22:37 | link | comments (2) |

i am almost not pissed anymore about the conference i have yet to attend.  almost.  i feel petulant.  i *know* that it's ridiculous to carry this around with me, but i can feel myself wanting to be all bitchy about it - because i accomodated and compromised when i absolutely did not want to.  i need to get over it enough by tomorrow so that i do not indulge my urge to be sullen.  i still think it's a huge inconvenience to have to rely on other people to make it to and from the conference city and to and from our accomodations.  whatever.  i'm imagining the car trip - me in the back seat, plugged into my walkman/ipod, very much in my own world.  radiating, RADIATING "DON'T TALK TO ME" vibes.  prickly.  hostile.  so, so, so, so, so very seventeen.  great.  working with teens has put me in touch with my inner teen.  and she didn't get her way.  she's cranky as hell and the whole world is going to have to make it up to her.

it is so warm.  more of a suck-the-life-out-of-you swelter than an ah-pleasant-autumn-day.  go not gently into autumn...

if i had a t-shirt for today, it would say, "i got baked at the Morton Arboretum!"  i went on another theater hike today and the hot burning sun turned my skull into a convection oven and cooked my brain in its own fluid.  mm.  brain.  oberon and i saw The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, which i did not enjoy as much as i'd hoped to.  it was ok.  the kids who played Lucy and Edmund were a bit lackluster.  Lucy was in and out of character and she'd look out at us and then change her mind (?) about wanting to have that kind of rapport and her face and eyes would blank us away, make us invisible.  it was very strange to watch.  Aslan didn't even have a MANE.  the guy who played Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream was back as Mr. Tumnus (another torso-baring role) - glad to report he's still cute.  i didn't really feel like most of the actors really *embodied* the characters they were portraying.  and i think it's always harder to do when people are very familiar with the story, because they have Expectations.  even, Great Expectations.  plus, there were a bajillion people there.  ok, maybe slightly less - a bajillion minus 3.  and it took forever to get everyone to each location and then situated.  it would have been vastly improved with more autumnal weather (read: chillyish), and fewer people in the audience.  the hike leader seriously needs to get some new material - we've heard his spiel (and it never differs!) 4 times now.  o. suggested that we provide some of that material ourselves.  you know, so when he starts in with, "a funny thing happened to me on one of these hikes..." we'll just supply the punchline by doing something outrageously amusing. 

we got off at the correct exit this time around...but missed the next turnoff.  i'm not sure we'll ever arrive without some kind of driving adventure.  i was going over the route in my head as i drove us home, and just as i was confident that i'd memorized it, i realized that there aren't going to *be* any more theater hikes this season...so it's unlikely that we'll be wanting to go back until next spring.  BUGGER ME.  which means i'm totally going to forget how to get there, and there was no point in wasting any brain power over it.  *sigh*

i don't really intend to complain...  i'm just hot.  and cranky.  and hot.

posted by: juuitsu at October 07, 2007 21:30 | link | comments (2) |

so, if you read what i posted below, you'll totally understand why i'd really just like to take a break and have a nice long snooze.  yes, i know i just got back from being on vacation.  but it feels like ages ago.  and it wasn't terribly restful.  there was all of that driving, you know.

we left on sunday morning after oberon smacked his head on the back gate of my car, and i twisted my ankle and fell over in the driveway.  accident prone much?  an hour or so into our drive o. managed to mumble, "do you think you can find Michigan?" before falling asleep.  i did, indeed, find Michigan.  but not because i had a map or anything.  i followed SIGNS.  we didn't bother to get directions before leaving, and o. had forgotten to bring either an address or a phone number, so if we'd had problems we'd have been screwed (or at least inconvenienced).  we had a minor altercation when o. mentioned a road and an exit (as i passed it), which i guess i was supposed to take, but about which he had not (in my opinion) been clear.  we were operating under different assumptions.  he assumed i knew what i was doing, and i assumed he was navigating because i had no freakin' clue where we were going.  no harm done.  it was the wrong exit anyway.

when we got into town, it wasn't so different that things were unrecognizable.  o. was able to steer us to his mom's house without mishap.  we were right behind a woman on a bicycle as we pulled into his driveway.  o. said, "hm, that must be someone's girlfriend."  but seconds later had to revise his statement, "omigod.  that's my MOM."  obviously, she was looking good.

we got out of the car and i got introduced around to everyone.  this lasted all of 5 minutes.  then, o. hauled out all of the foam weapons we'd brought with us and started beating on his brothers.  i joined in a few minutes later and we abused one another until dinner time - we'd worked up an appetite.  we resumed fighting after dinner and finished up the evening with some frisbee and conversation.  it was nice.  o.'s got a really big family (4 brothers and a sister) and they all seemed to have missed him a lot.  his mom dug out some pictures of a very young oberon to show me, and in all of them he's holding (or abusing) some sibling or another.  it was kinda...sweet.  when we got up the next morning i said, "i think your family really likes you - they missed you a lot."  o. poked me and said it wouldn't last.  family is like that.  eventually"?  you all slip into "you're getting on my last nerve!" mode.

we drove up to mackinac/mackinaw for the day.  we'd planned to take a ferry over to the island, but after talking to MARJORIE at one of the ferry ticketing kiosks - who told us that if we went over we'd just have to come right back and wouldn't have any time to ENJOY ourselves - we decided to stay in town.  MARJORIE lied.  she told us the ferry would take an hour (more like 15 minutes).  if we'd ignored MARJORIE's advice, we would have had a good hour on the island before having to come back.  i guess she saved us $30, but man, what a pisser!  since we were primarily interested in fudge, however, we were not disappointed.  i think they sell fudge in every single store up there.  gas station?  sure.  t-shirt shop?  why not?  chemist?  of course!  something's got to compete with the 17 bars in town (why?).  we walked around, skipped some rocks, were alternately silly and exhausted.  we ended up in a little pizza place for dinner where our french-canadian server was a little too solicitous.  we were in the throes of our dinner decision-making (this can go on and on) and he came back to see how we were doing no less than 4 times (and possibly some that i'm forgetting).  ack.  o. thought he'd seen "meatloaf" on the menu, so we asked about the meatloaf and our server said, "yes, i'm off at..."  what?  wait, WHAT??  then he thought we wanted a meat pizza.  it was most confusing.  he kept staring at oberon, too.  "our server totally wants you," i said, and then encouraged o. to leave his phone number on the toilet paper dispenser in the men's restroom (because that is, apparently, where you leave that sort of information if you're a guy looking to hook up).

we drove back to o.'s mom's house and slept a long, long time (because it was very late and we were very tired).  went out to brunch with o.'s mom the following day, and then for a bit of a walk and some more frisbee.  got back and played games with the kids.  had shepherd's pie!  yum!  more games.  tried to write some in my journal (failed).  got sucked into the games.  read some comics.  went to bed.  and somewhere in there we took out the foam weapons again and laid waste to one another. 

departed the next day for Indiana to see The Chemistry Professor (TCP) and banana.  we hit Richmond a bit after lunchtime and stopped at my one-time favorite sandwich shop.  i had no trouble finding it - thanks to all of the times Mir and i had lunch there the summer after we graduated.  i miss that summer of cherry cokes, subaru commercials that never got made, and pining after darrick.  why'd he have to have a girlfriend, huh?  i digress.  whatever we ate gave us both terrible indigestion, which was exacerbated by the death march (hike) i led us on.  we got out of the familiar back campus woods, and i immediately lost all sense of direction.  we ended up trudging down some country road with cornfields all around us.  there are large tracts of Indiana that are like this; we could have been in any one of them.  miles later we ran into a woman (civilization!) who told us we were about 8 tenths of a mile from National Rd. (and another mile or so from campus).  we found a gas station with public restrooms and experienced (at least in my case) relief.  oh the resting!  too much information, yes, i know.  be glad that you don't know what i left out.

when we had rested, we went in search of TCP, who was up in his classroom tutoring.  he hadn't slept well because his new baby boy was sick.  his wife was *also* sick, and everyone was exhausted and/or giddy - us included.  TCP took us to get sandwiches at this place called...Sacred Grounds.  k.  so this place totally blows *my* sandwich shop out of the water.  it was so good.  AND it had baklava.  AND they were willing to substitute baklava for the traditional side.  AND it didn't make us sick.  bliss.  we ate our sandwiches (and baklava) and then ran around with TCP's dog and chatted.  i hadn't seen TCP in at least 5 years.  he invited me to his wedding (then forgot to formally invite me), then, promptly disappeared into married life.  we left around 8:00 for indy and banana's. 

i'm trying to remember what we did the next day...can't have been very exciting.  oh, right.  we laid around in bed reading comics, and o. ate a lot of ice cream and did laundry (there was lunch somewhere in there as well).  i'd planned on us leaving for Chicago and then going on to Wisconsin that evening, but banana invited us to stay another night with her.  so we went for a walk (more frisbee), got some food from wendy's, and then came back and watched Drunken Master (hee!).  the following morning it was nearly impossible to get oberon to wake up.  i made us some eggs and then tried to haul him out of bed.  lethargy won, however, and claimed us both.  for the next 5 hours.  and then banana came home, we said goodbye, and drove on.

a note about road trips: they can involve a lot of driving.  if you have a lot of road rage, and/or you drive a lot for a living, a road trip might not be the best way to relax. 

oberon: next time we decide to take a road trip?  maybe there should be, you know, less driving?  we should maybe just fly.
me: ok.
oberon: no.  we shouldn't fly.  we should just stay in illinois.
me: mmhmm.
oberon: or.  OR.  we could just stay home and sleep.
me: don't we do that anyway?

we stopped a long time at a rest stop between Indiana and Illinois because there were these two old men we were concerned about.  one of them was bearded and was wearing one sandal and one sneaker.  we were trying to figure out what his story might be.  he kept going into the information center and then coming out again and rummaging in his car.  he was obviously looking for something, but we couldn't figure out what it might be.  directions?  the other man was in poor shape.  when he arrived he was bent nearly in half - whether from pain or natural aging processes, we couldn't ascertain.  he seemed rather desperate to attain the facilities, if you know what i mean.  something about his hurried limping walk, and the way he had wrapped his arms around his stomach gave it away.  he was not feeling well.  we waited for him to come out for a long, long time.  sat on the sidewalk and waited.  watched all of the other people stretch and climb back into their vehicles and drive away again and waited.  we were about to leave when he finally reappeared - still slightly bent, but having shed the desperation with which he'd entered.

Indiana --> Chicago (uneventful)  we listened to "The Wintersmith," by Terry Pratchett.  it rocks.  go get a copy now.  werk?  we got as far as my place and then crashed.  we stayed crashed for the next two days.  forget Wisconsin.  we couldn't drag ourselves out of bed before 3pm. 

And that was the road trip!  Adventure!  Excitement!  no pictures, no journaling, no postcards.  but there was an assload of driving.  YAY, DRIVING!  [and smooching!  *quietly* yay, smooching!}

posted by: juuitsu at October 03, 2007 23:47 | link | comments (3) |

ice cream with sprinkles.  mm.

this week has been one long endless meeting.  there are at least 4 things that i desperately need/want to get to at work, and i can't because every time i self-schedule, someone comes up with a meeting that i must attend, or a project that needs to be done NOW.  it's frustrating.  if it continues, i'm going to have to recommend that they create a new position for me.  something along the lines of "queen of all she surveys," because sometimes i really feel like i'm doing everything.

there's a bit of frustration burning in everyone, though.  i asked our storytime lady how she was doing earlier this week and she hissed, "I HATE EVERYONE" with such vehemence i was sort of taken aback.  it was funny, but she was also completely serious.  october is falling apart, but hey, no worries, we've got next year's summer reading program planned.  oh the inanity.

i wish i could rely on people to do what they're supposed to do so that i don't have to worry about it.  and i wouldn't worry, except that it affects me and what i do sometimes.  and then i feel all rageful because if i'd known in advance that i was going to have to do these things MYSELF, i would have planned my time differently.  i had a chance to talk with someone about this today.  and it turns out that he'd done what i needed, but handed the work off to someone else in my department, who...i dunno, lost it?  forgot to pass it on?  so the whole time i was fuming internally about my stuff being late and/or nonexistent it was actually done, but misplaced (permanently misplaced, because i *still* haven't tracked it down).  i am just perplexed by the way things are done sometimes.  i think several departments need to sit down and hash out what they do so that it's all clear and we don't get this kind of mess anymore.  that'll be my next helpful suggestion.

we met about my website today, which webguy will be designing based on stuff that i want.  i have all of this content for it, but the look of it is something i have yet to define.  i picked out some site designs that i like and talked about what it was that i liked about them and webguy nodded a lot and explained how he could easily make any of those happen.  he's going to put some stuff together for me and we're going to revisit it soon (as soon as i fill out some kind of interdepartmental 'can i borrow these staff people to make my project happen?' forms).  he and i both have a lot of ideas that we'd like to implement and i think my site is going to end up being...a gateway, i guess, for introducing a lot of new stuff into our "web presence" that administration is a little leery of at the present.  so, we'll see how that goes.  i really want it to be cool, and intuitive.  and i want to be able to update it myself.  webguy and i did most of the talking.  our supervisors listened and nodded.  have we just been...facilitated?  *g*

i have THREE meetings tomorrow, and i'm on desk.  it's unlikely that i'll get anything else done.  *sigh*

posted by: juuitsu at October 03, 2007 22:28 | link | comments (3) |

from several weeks ago...

it looms on the horizon, a large delicately sculpted white mountain.  the ocean waves crash through and around it with a profusion of sea foam as they smack and then recede.  it juts out of the ocean like a lightning rod to the heavens, and the dark waters swirl around it.  we, standing on the beach, look out at the sculpture - man made or god made or carved by the sea, we do not know.  but, its allure, its siren call, has us balancing precariously on the strange floating boardwalk that leads to its base.  the waves pour through in a continuous waterfall.  the sun hits it just right and everything gleams.  the boardwalk twists violently under our feet, but we don't care, for we are running, running, running toward it.

bom yells after us, "don't be at the front!"  my brother and i slow down.  he is just in front of me and he waits for me to catch up.  oberon runs on.  i want to shout after him to wait, wait for us.  but he's quickly gone down the walk.  when we try to follow, parts of it begin to sink.  i'm swimming from section to section, holding on tightly when the waves get wild.  i can't see if anyone is following me.  i can barely see where i am going.  when the waves part for a moment, i am much closer to the sculpture.  oberon is standing in front of it.  he turns, waves.  i'm shocked by how young he is.  he can't be more than 10.  i reach my hand out and am, in turn, shocked by how young *i* am. 

there's something hugely dangerous and wrong about the sculpture, but we are so amazed, in awe, we can't fathom its flaw.  it draws us closer. 

i wake.

posted by: juuitsu at October 02, 2007 22:04 | link | comments (3) |

i'm reading a bunch of things again.  i fear they're all going to run together in my head and make me think the world is a very, very strange place.  it is, you know.

i really like "The Year of Yes," by Maria Dahvana Headley.  Maria is so deliciously intelligent and sassy.  i'm drooling and giggling over her feisty turns of phrase.  i picked this up at Kate the Great's Book Emporium before i took off on my roadtrip (but, naturally, didn't have time to read much more than the first few pages because there was so much else to do - AND library books.  with due dates).

a snippet from today's reading:

"'That'd be life, yes,' said Zak.  'And the things that compensate for emotional instability aren't constant, either, that's the problem.'

"'What would those things be?'

"'Things that eventually sag,' he said, sadly.

"I put my head on Zak's shoulder as the sun went down.  Maybe love was like Godot.  You spent the whole play talking about it, but it never actually made it onstage.  You waited anyway.  Of course you did. 

"'Wanna go play video games?' asked Zak.

"'Desperately,' I said.

"And so, in lieu of love, we went out into the night to kill a few monsters."

(p. 46)

posted by: juuitsu at October 01, 2007 22:29 | link | comments (3) |

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